I’m a firm believer that good things come to those who wait. However, I’m also a firm believer in not making a complete and utter idiot out of myself.
The latter comes especially after my relationship with Jon. (A really, really, long post I’m savnig for the future.)
As previously mentioned in this blog, I was seeing a guy called Adam for a bit. The worst part about that story is I actually really, really liked him until he physically scarred me and then ghosted me for good measure.
I sure do pick ’em.
Anyhow, Adam actually finally got back in contact with me after a few days of straight up blanking me (at which point I had stopped messaging long ago because like I mentioned earlier in this post, I do hate to make an idiot out of myself – despite it being a frequent occurrence).
Well, when he messaged me he made a lame excuse and barely apologised for the, well, physical affliction he gave me. I did give him a second chance and a few days later he did the same thing (ghosting, not the mutilation of flesh). I realised at this point that despite all his romantic gestures and words, he wasn’t really that interested.
And fair enough. We hadn’t been seeing each other that long. We were both entitled to change our minds. At that point I realised I needed to cut it off because it was going nowhere for me, as much as I like being ignored for days at a time. I very politely asked him how he felt – his response was that he wasn’t sure – to which I said was fine but I wanted to try seeing other people and called it off. Easily done.
Fast forward about a month(ish) and he messaged me telling me he was feeling pretty low and could we hang out together sometime (he promised he wouldn’t make a move). I agreed because, I did get on with him and although I didn’t see him as boyfriend material anymore, that didn’t have to stop me from having a good friend.
So we hung out a few times and it was nice. Just friends, and like he promised, no unsolicited touching. I liked it. This continues until about a week ago. I was round his house and got a particular message from Jon which really made me angry. We’d had a little to drink so I started ranting a bit about him and then I got a bit embarrassed and apologised. Fortunately he was lovely about it and just tried offering me advice and support, telling me not to apologise.
A while after I had calmed down and he stuck on Harry Potter. We were both sat on his bed watching it when he pulled me towards him. Not in a ‘take me now’ kind of way, but in a , ‘here’s a pillow up against me, lie back on it so I can see the damn TV’ kind of way. I was a little startled at it but naively thought it was nothing. I know. In hindsight it sounds so stupid.
Anyhow, I complied. I laid down against the pillow which was incidentally lying against him. Then, after an hour or so of no sexual advancements, when I was sucked into a false sense of security, he kissed me.
Now I did kind of kiss back. And when I say kind, I mean I definitely kissed back. When I told Chloe this story afterwards she said ‘Why on earth did you kiss him back?!’. With her currently being back in Northern Ireland for the summer, it was an exchange over Facebook messenger, Which meant my reply did come off as a little cold.
See, the way I see it is this; once Adam became unreliable and likely to mess me about, my feelings for him quickly disappeared and were replaced by those of a good friend. Friend-zone, if you will, but he was no longer a viable relationship in my head so I no longer had any real romantic feelings. Yet, I kissed him back because he was hot and it was something to do. But when I kissed him I no longer felt ‘butterflies’. And I’m really not one for one night stands. As traditional as it sounds, I have to be in a relationship where I know the other person cares about me to be intimate. Otherwise, sex is not enjoyable at all for me.
So I suppose I knew in my head it wasn’t going any further than a kiss.
He clearly didn’t. He started to push me down. As in, he started to push my head down to where things were. I immediately realised what he was doing so I resisted and tried to push my head up towards his face again to resume a kiss.
Why, you ask? Why not just tell him you’re not into that and stop? Two straightforward answers there; 1) I’m awkward, and 2) I’m stupid.
He clearly thought I hadn’t realised what he was after and decided to make it more clear by relentlessly pushing me back down. I continued, wordlessly, to resist until I was just kind of face down on his stomach. We were no longer kissing. There was just awkward hovering. For at least a minute.
At which point I did the stupidest thing and said ‘Well, I’ve gotta go’, jumped up and grabbed my umbrella, and the rest of my belongings scattered on his bed (Bag, phone charger, headphones etc.). He mumbled something like ‘Oh yeah, I was gonna say, I need to be heading to bed too.’
He walked me to the door, asked sheepishly if I wanted an Uber. I declined and started to descend the stairs in a rather quick fashion. He then said something like ‘drop me a message when you’re home so I know you got back okay’. At this point I was halfway down the stairs and in response I FINGER-GUNNED him. I wish I was joking.
I had a long think on the metro back home and as I lay in bed that night. I needed to write something to him in a message which would relieve us both of the awkwardness so I wouldn’t lose a friend, but also make it clear I wasn’t up for anything sexual with him. I at least owed him a declination so he knew where we stood, especially after my silent protest on his abdomen.
So, I sent him this message at 10am the next morning:
Hey, sorry again for ranting loads last night I was kinda embarrassed at just letting loose on Jon like that tbh so thanks for putting up with me! Needless to say I really don’t think I want to talk to him again at least for a while. Also about last night I’m completely fine with kissing but I don’t want to lead anyone on like I’m not really looking for a friends with benefits kinda thing (not saying you are lol) but just incase that’s not really my thing. I do really enjoy spending time with you though and sorry for making this awkward I just didn’t wanna come across badly I guess (sorry again for being awkward)
And surprise, surprise. That was a week ago, and since then I have received painfully blunt replies; none of which have even acknowledged my message. I sent him a message directly asking if he had read the above 4 days ago and he has not replied since.
So if you ever want to truly lose a friend, have them push you downwards with intent of oral sex only to reject them in the most awkward way possible. Top it off with a finger gun gesture and you’re good to go.
Until next time.